Thursday 14 May 2009

I Will Remember


I was born in the land of the sun
And the tall green grass
And I don't understand
How all this has come to pass
How we've come to surround ourselves
In a sea of thieves
In a land without learning
Only the fools believe

I went driving last night
On a dark canyon road
Had the sky to myself
But I wasn't alone
Had the pain of my lifetime
For my company
How did it end up like this
For you and me

As I open my eyes to one more day
The wind burns my face
As it whispers your name
As it's pulling me forward
It tears me free
And the only thing left
Is the tears for you and me

'Cause when love breaks the promise
The heart has to keep
It leaves only truth here to find
When the spirit is crushed
And hurt is so deep
Between you and I

Even when love has come and gone
And our hearts have moved along
I will remember
There was a time we had the trust
And that always was enough
I will remember

Even when love has come and gone
And our hearts have moved along
I will remember
There was a time we had the trust
And that always was enough
I will remember.....
I will remember you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXzArmGh6hs

Short prose for HONEY (19 Jan 2008)






If fate wouldn't be too kind enough...i know i can still wait for you somewhere else....someplace where you will no longer hesitate about my intention, someplace where there will be no "HOW" and "WHAT IF's" , not today, not tomorrow, and if not even in the near future.... may be at life after death.. do you believe in reincarnations? me, i dunnno, but if there is really such a reincarnation thing......in my next life, I wanted to be a bird. where i can freely glide smoothly between winds beneath my wings, soar freely to an unimaginable heights and swiftly strike freely a moving target beneath whenever i wanted, but the good thing in life we had right now is that if i'm just a reincarnation of whatever i was before, GOD didn't made me into a bird otherwise it would have been impossible for Ms. Felicita Galman Bartolome to be courted by Mario in a form of a bird.

I just want to say thank you so much honey for saving for me, for sharing with me a portion of your heart though it's not as big as the space I prepared for you here in my heart yet you don't know how it does made a big difference in my life. I do hope that our stay on each other's heart isn't just in a fleeting moments but lasting and till eternity. I Love You HON...

Letter from a lowly heart (10 Jan 2008)

I have uploaded this wonderful music and slideshow on youtube and I thought it will be best to share it with you here as well. This was lovingly dedicated to my Lemon Pie few months ago. Enjoy the music....



I hope this will be the exit from the gloomy and hollow years I've spent and I had while traveling down this long and winding journey of uncertainties. The release from the enclosing nightmare that I may just one day fall on a wrong woman and not the lady in dreams I had ever since been drawing out bit by bit, through the years. As jig saw puzzle come alive. Though I don’t know who she was? What she would be like in the near future. I never did honestly entertain the possibility that I would on that fateful day find you at ASMSI. And deep in my heart right then I knew that you’re all I ever wanted. The master piece lady in dreams, come fully alive.

And I was hoping that you can save a little space in the heart of your heart, a place wherein my love may reside and never forsake us as we both struggle through hardships, through trials that may shake the very foundation of this love I am trying to nurture and grow. This very same love will be your shield and armor not to suffocate you (as love sometimes tend to build walls) but to protect you from any danger along your way. But will you give my love a try?

I am hopeful that you’re willing to take the risk of riding the same boat with me and experience together how rough and bumpy the rides may be. I know, as long as we‘re rowing n’sync and smoothly I believe we will surely succeed and reached the farthest distance wherever life may wants us to carry. Although sometimes while the tides are high, HEAVENS may pour an endless rain that may left us in awe and disbelief of all the misfortunes. But rains sometimes purposely passes and go to wash our tears so we can have a fresh and have a beginnings anew. Thus, I can’t surely promise you heaven and eternity because being human and mortal, I only have this love of mine to offer you. This love, my love will always be on its way and it’s up to you to decide whether to let it stray outside or open up the door gently for me; Row the same boat with me or leave me wander alone in the vastness of an open sea. Because I know this time will be a new season. A season of wiping tears shed for years from failing remarks. A season to leave all the dreaming far behind because you are here now and I believe if given a chance, we can together make everything all right. I’m very much willing to carry you through the shore line; I would be very grateful to walk you across the water; I’m very much willing to believe in your strength and understand your weaknesses as I am hoping you would do the same for me. Because life is a constant struggle and there’s nothing really permanent in this world but change. Thus, if left unwanted, even love, I believe tend to change itself over time. I love you so much HON! I hope you’ll consider having me in your lifetime and not only for today and tomorrow. But even at life after death. I LOVE YOU…

A Love Letter for msbartolome (05 Jan 2008)

I think I'll be running out of words and vocabularies that would best describe this unseen feelings and emotions I had. You could have already said "YES!" if only I was around there in the Philippines. That's what you've said. Yet, on the other hand you said you can't say you love me as well because we still haven't met personally in the first place, right? Yeah, although I've never seen you and I've heard your voices just once but even before hearing your sweet sounding voices I still had gladly exclaimed that I'm really in real love with you. This what differs us from each other. Meaning, because I'm loving with all the consequences however painful they may be and however ugly they may sound in reality. I knew it. Because I had never been misguided ever since by what my emotions and my instinct dictates. I had never been dismayed by the choices I've made however quick and fast the picking process because I've known ever since that the moment I've chosen something or someone they had, and they possessed the best qualities envied by most. They had these qualities so outstanding that it made me into this fool of a person, this crazy of a lover. While you, I don't really have any slightest idea what your requirements are, how you size and measure the personalities of the person you've wanted to be with for the rest of your life. Of course, I know, it wasn't always that easy on your part as much as it wasn't that easy for me to have waited and found you lately after all this time. For I had waited a hell of years before I found you, before fate allowed me to crossed-path with you. I've waited almost half of my entire lifetime for this one real love and I'm thankful that I had waited patiently enough otherwise I would be spending the rest of my life regretting to see you, contemplating why I hadn't waited long enough for you. But as fate had it. He was too generous for leading us into this same journey of trials and difficulties while we're still both available. Because life wouldn't be that easy and fate probably wanted us to go through this journey successfully, hand in hand. Taking turns of carrying one another through our life cycle of up's and down's. Because we can never make it happily alone. Although we may stumble together along the way as there has really no perfect trails in reality but at least we have each other's shoulder to lean on. For today you may be headstrong but as you fumble along the way, I wanted to be that special someone who will pick you up and help you make it through wherever you wanted to go. I wanted to be that special someone who will give you comfort and dry the tears on your cheek when you're weary and crying. I can be your shelter from a cold stormy weather to a piercing, burning summer heat. I wanted to try to offer you anything possible under this heavily laden sphere as long as you wanted me to. But if you think my love offerings weren't that good enough for you and decided later on to move along in search for someone else who could ease your obstacles. I will still be there for you, lurking in a distance no matter what, watching you and if possible to guide you on a high-rise hindrances so you can move swiftly on your own again. However painful it may be if you're
with someone else.

A Love Letter for msbartolome (03 Jan 2008)








Honestly, I was convincing and trying myself not to think of you today, because if as what I usually did I would just end up daydreaming for the rest of my day. But sadly, with aircraft's manual and wiring diagram now laid down before me, I still ended up writing this piece of note to let you know how much I really care for you and that in everything I did for these past few days and for everything I'm about to do....you're still the one who had and who will occupy my mind every now and then. I simply can't help neglecting the thought that I have these feelings, these very special emotions that in the coming days or years I simply don't want to be wasted. To be wasted because I didn't have enough courage to tame every-inch of your belief. To be wasted because I failed to extract the magic words that would in response had have sent you lovingly shouts "YES!" Oh yes! I'm probably stupid falling in love with a girl I've never met and had never known ever since. What a crazy feeling is this? How did I fell in love with a girl I've only known through her write-ups and fading images? You know, it's totally beyond explanation perhaps, for I myself don't understand it either. And if I ended up mocked by whomever, "You shut up!" I'm just in real love would always be my response. Because it would be unfair if someone argued about one's feeling and emotions because I surely have known better my very own feelings and emotions than anyone else. This is my own heart and mine alone. No one can tell what I am feeling isn't for real but I. Nobody might had even portrayed how important you are to someone's life at this very moment (except your families) but me. You were sooo very important to me but I cant simply find the exact words to justify that what I' saying weren't due to insanity - infact I had the exact counts of screws in my head, and my systems are functioning well except for this "Heart". If it was only possible for human not to have a heart to be free from all these unfathomable emotions often misunderstood as craving insanity, as autism desires. I would have opted one. Because I don't want to be misunderstood as someone playing marbles with a woman's heart and ended up bruising each marbles or hearts in the long run.

To be honest with you and to myself, what I'm feeling right now is totally different from the love at first sight thing I once had. Yes! very different because the first time I saw you I thought you belong and you were one of those persons perceived by most as "pangarap na lamang". My first impression is that I'm a way too far from your standards and qualifications thus I hesitated and tucked myself in silence. My first mail wasn't intended to ignite my hidden admirations but it was only out of kindness and pity because you've posted one message at newbies corner only and nothing else.
My only intention was to make you feel at home and stay because I would surely love it to see you here always. And the key that triggered everything was your replies and if I didn't grabbed that once in a lifetime opportunity I would have gone mad this time. But the challenges didn't stop right there and then. For it has always been a part of our everyday living and only the degree differs to some extent. Others struggled to survive a meal while I myself struggled to convince you that what I had is purest intentions. I had summoned every brand of pen at the malls including calligraphy last holiday season hoping that each of them were capable of extracting the magic word I've been longing for. But now I ended up relying on how I really felt hoping that my breast will open and a "hand-heart" holding a magical pen will emerge writing down itself everything, every single emotions I can express and every love definitions I might had forgotten. But with all our human limitations I can only manage to tell and express what ever crosses my mind when I'm with this mighty pen and translucent paper. It's real love! I'm sure of it. But I'm been wondering how this "love" will ever move mountains to show you it's authenticity. Does love really move mountains? that's at least what they said. But literary speaking this love I'm feeling right now can't even move this thin sheet of paper, so does love really move mountains? Or does this mean I'm totally hopeless if my love can't move this thin sheet? I don't get it myself thus, the convincing part really had as always been the challenge.

Now, you can call me whatever you wanted! crazy, insane, autistic. All I know is that deep down inside I'm just madly, deeply in love with you. Hope, the best of things? Yes perhaps! unless we ended up hoping for the remainder of our stay here in this labyrinth universe. Waiting? Yes I can surely wait though sometimes time can draw out like a blade. Because not all fantasies had a happy ending. When the reality strikes in the end that you had just waited for nothing, the lengthy process you've spent waiting will cut you into pieces thus hurting your every inch like a blade. When I was a boy before SOM, I used to imagined and dreamed of beautiful grill-walled houses only exist in my fantasies. But as a product of an innocent young mind imaginings, surprisingly there was no woman in that dream. Pero ngaun...ikaw nlng nakikita ko parati sa panaginip na un.

Autobiography - life before SOM (21 Dec 2007)





Looking back at the early chapters of my life, I've seen nothing worthwhile but rubbish, hatred and agony. I was well-known for never being beaten even by older guys in a "taksi" (a game played in a plane earth-surface by placing a bet (money) in a square box and then aiming with all your might from a certain distance hoping that each strike will send all coins outside the box to win). And everytime I needed money, I would scout every stores in the market who has the highest buying price per kilo of rice and alas!….sold the stocks we had!. You won't believe it but with a cents, I had exchanged it with four dozens of biscuits. How the hell I did that? I called it Devil's guts! Ayo! Papalit og kendi (Tao po! pabili ng candy)… the store keeper approached me and handed me the candy and after I gave her the cents and since the drawer was a bit farther and she's walking towards it and I supposed she don't have eye on her back I took a whole pack of biscuits to the horror of my younger cousin while I afterwards was just like walking in a park. I was only third grader in Compostela then. In second grader, I had injured my back after falling from avocado tree and swollened that reduced me to almost hunchback of Compostela.hehehe. In fourth grader I had injured my right arm after falling from mango tree and since my parents were not around, nobody knew it. I had a short-lived amnesia once after falling from star apple tree doing a superman stunt as my brother said what I looked like. Quickly stand afterwards as if nothing happened and went inside the house to the horror of my mother minutes later because I was already crying from pain, from aftershock. We found out later I had injured a ribs.

My sufferings and agonies started when I was transferred to Catbalogan Samar in early November of 1998 when my father lost his job. My grandfather owns a coconut farm but since Samar usually was a pathway of typhoons eversince, most of the coconut trees only had a few every harvest. I was the oldest from four lads but usually outdone by them in physical labor. I was outdone in transporting coconuts from every now and then. I remember after my SOM life when I went to Davao and help my two brothers and my father did rice harvesting. They were so good and fast at it since they had been doing it for ages while for a guy like me it was a nightmare of a job. And to the horror of them all I was already crying from behind. I was crying because I pity myself, I'm not much of a help. My mother was probably right when she said that my body isn't suitable with the work we were doing. Sometimes my family would spend weeks staying in our farm at the mountains in Samar but we never stop attending school. Three of us would race all the way down from the mountain to go to school. I was even branded by a classmate who happened to be my crush a "Rebelde". Eto na ung NPA. And every Sunday I would spend my day selling all kind of stuff's at Catbalogan City (Pier Dos ata un)-down there everything sells. I was the only one from six siblings who had the guts to sell. My guts were so amazing even to this day because where I am now wasn't done through smooth rides and hitches. It took me a hell of courage and days of questioning myself "should I" or "better not" when the opportunity was right in front of me. I took the courage by offering everything to GOD thinking if whatever HE wanted so be it, my intentions wasn't for my own gratification anyway but for my whole family and the families surrounding me, and if HE wanted me to suffer, if that's the path HE had long laid down for me then why would I care so much about being shorthanded in everything. I was an undergrad when all they wanted was a college professional. Some may argue that I had outwitted the others but for me I was just playing fairly enough from this so called unfair battle-field earth.

After Catbalogan, Samar we were all transferred to San Juan. Hilongos Leyte as the Family grew weary of the life in the mountains where we achieved nothing but same old pains and hardships. What we found out in Leyte weren't much of a difference. It was even worst since we don't have anything in Leyte. We had experienced where we had nothing at all in the table and being the oldest son I took the initiative and it was there in Leyte where I had almost given up. I was thinking of abandoning the whole family to fend for my own and survive. Believe it or not but if some of you were familiar of rice milling machines in the provinces where the waste rice hulls usually just dumped backyards of the factory, my mother ask me out of desperate measures to filter rice hulls hoping to find some (ulon ulon) as what they call it in Bisaya (don't know what's the Tagalog term – I'm sorry). It's not the usual whole grain of rice but tiny particles as a result of too much friction from machinery (hope you got the picture). Know what? I found nothing. It was the most embarrassing time of my whole childhood, the very first time I felt I was humiliated so much. And it was right then that I've realized I just can't simply leave my good mother behind. Mama's boy pa naman ako.hehehehe…it was very humiliating really, we slept with just cardboard to protect our back from the beating colds of the floor in an old house ruled by gigantic lizard at night as big as four fingers combined. And the only thing I was proud of was a Mighty Kid shoe bought by my father when he still had better jod in Davao, at times where he used to send us and our cousins altogether to school every morning and fetched everyone of us in the afternoon, at times where I spent in a day an equivalent of week long "Baon". Aside from the lonely mighty kid shoe….nothing else. I wasn't even so proud being born, I guess because I sometimes thought I should have never been in this world after all. I had been doing a man's labor at grade five with only 7 pesos per day in Samar. It was so terrible.

When the opportunity for an SOM stint arrives, I went there but I had no idea at all or whatsoever. It was funny since I was only copying the answers of my older sister but it was only I who passed while she herself failed. The fact that I don't even know the answer to "what is the color of the grass" question baffled me even more. Guess what? My choices that time was violet and brown..hahahaha..and I just asked my sister afterwards for the right answer tto my embarrassment when sje said "green".di ko nacopya sa kanya yon eh. The only English I knew and I can exactly remember then was "mommy I'm hungry" taught by our grade five teacher in Samar. Aside from the failing grades in elementary and with almost no skill and talent at all I had no idea that there was even a GOD behind everything who made it all possible for me. I prayed of course but not to the extent that I know who HE was and where HE came from. At SOM, I used to cry a lot for months, as expected from being a mama's boy as I was. I even cried if my mother leaves our house leaving me behind and I will never ever let go of her as a leech will never ever leave their prey unless my mother would say okay let's go, how much more being an island away. I remember my mother told me months ago that when the boat that would take us from Hilongos to Cebu was about to leave, I run outside crying, hugging my mother murmuring between my sobs "I'm not going". BIYA-HILO pa ako….haaaayyy…suka to the max.hahaha. But not anymore, not this time.