Honestly, I was convincing and trying myself not to think of you today, because if as what I usually did I would just end up daydreaming for the rest of my day. But sadly, with aircraft's manual and wiring diagram now laid down before me, I still ended up writing this piece of note to let you know how much I really care for you and that in everything I did for these past few days and for everything I'm about to do....you're still the one who had and who will occupy my mind every now and then. I simply can't help neglecting the thought that I have these feelings, these very special emotions that in the coming days or years I simply don't want to be wasted. To be wasted because I didn't have enough courage to tame every-inch of your belief. To be wasted because I failed to extract the magic words that would in response had have sent you lovingly shouts "YES!" Oh yes! I'm probably stupid falling in love with a girl I've never met and had never known ever since. What a crazy feeling is this? How did I fell in love with a girl I've only known through her write-ups and fading images? You know, it's totally beyond explanation perhaps, for I myself don't understand it either. And if I ended up mocked by whomever, "You shut up!" I'm just in real love would always be my response. Because it would be unfair if someone argued about one's feeling and emotions because I surely have known better my very own feelings and emotions than anyone else. This is my own heart and mine alone. No one can tell what I am feeling isn't for real but I. Nobody might had even portrayed how important you are to someone's life at this very moment (except your families) but me. You were sooo very important to me but I cant simply find the exact words to justify that what I' saying weren't due to insanity - infact I had the exact counts of screws in my head, and my systems are functioning well except for this "Heart". If it was only possible for human not to have a heart to be free from all these unfathomable emotions often misunderstood as craving insanity, as autism desires. I would have opted one. Because I don't want to be misunderstood as someone playing marbles with a woman's heart and ended up bruising each marbles or hearts in the long run.
To be honest with you and to myself, what I'm feeling right now is totally different from the love at first sight thing I once had. Yes! very different because the first time I saw you I thought you belong and you were one of those persons perceived by most as "pangarap na lamang". My first impression is that I'm a way too far from your standards and qualifications thus I hesitated and tucked myself in silence. My first mail wasn't intended to ignite my hidden admirations but it was only out of kindness and pity because you've posted one message at newbies corner only and nothing else.
My only intention was to make you feel at home and stay because I would surely love it to see you here always. And the key that triggered everything was your replies and if I didn't grabbed that once in a lifetime opportunity I would have gone mad this time. But the challenges didn't stop right there and then. For it has always been a part of our everyday living and only the degree differs to some extent. Others struggled to survive a meal while I myself struggled to convince you that what I had is purest intentions. I had summoned every brand of pen at the malls including calligraphy last holiday season hoping that each of them were capable of extracting the magic word I've been longing for. But now I ended up relying on how I really felt hoping that my breast will open and a "hand-heart" holding a magical pen will emerge writing down itself everything, every single emotions I can express and every love definitions I might had forgotten. But with all our human limitations I can only manage to tell and express what ever crosses my mind when I'm with this mighty pen and translucent paper. It's real love! I'm sure of it. But I'm been wondering how this "love" will ever move mountains to show you it's authenticity. Does love really move mountains? that's at least what they said. But literary speaking this love I'm feeling right now can't even move this thin sheet of paper, so does love really move mountains? Or does this mean I'm totally hopeless if my love can't move this thin sheet? I don't get it myself thus, the convincing part really had as always been the challenge.
Now, you can call me whatever you wanted! crazy, insane, autistic. All I know is that deep down inside I'm just madly, deeply in love with you. Hope, the best of things? Yes perhaps! unless we ended up hoping for the remainder of our stay here in this labyrinth universe. Waiting? Yes I can surely wait though sometimes time can draw out like a blade. Because not all fantasies had a happy ending. When the reality strikes in the end that you had just waited for nothing, the lengthy process you've spent waiting will cut you into pieces thus hurting your every inch like a blade. When I was a boy before SOM, I used to imagined and dreamed of beautiful grill-walled houses only exist in my fantasies. But as a product of an innocent young mind imaginings, surprisingly there was no woman in that dream. Pero ngaun...ikaw nlng nakikita ko parati sa panaginip na un.
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